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Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Unconditional conditions.

Agency, free agency, moral agency.  It’s phrased many ways but what does it mean?  Freedom to make choices? Freedom to make choices as long as the choice is within certain parameters?  Freedom to choose, as long as you choose what is right?  Freedom to make bad choices? To make mistakes? Or is it the freedom to choose so long as you are willing to accept the consequences? 

And how does this agency correspond to unconditional love.  In particular, the love of God or those who purport to be trying to be like God/Jesus.  Unconditional.  An interesting ideal.  Is it possible to have unconditional love?  I doubt it, or rather, I haven’t seen it.  There are those in my life who love me and would continue to do so through almost any foreseeable situation however that little word ‘almost’ is paradoxical to the definition of ‘unconditional’.

We all have conditions.  Conditions that we place either consciously or unconsciously on those that we associate with.  As a parent I myself profess to having unconditional love for my children however I can imagine if I really try, that there would be circumstances that would affect that relationship.  I don’t anticipate that ever happening and the events that would need to take place to do that would definitely have to be extreme.  Lets take the story of Adam, Eve, Cane and Abel for example.  Cane killed Abel.  I’m sure in that situation that Adam or Eve’s love for Abel was diminished thus rendering their love for their son Cane as something other than unconditional.  Now I wasn’t there, I can’t really speak for them, but I think it would take something that extreme for that bond to weaken.  So is it unconditional? No it is not.

So what?  Why does this matter?  Why write about it? Can we expect to live up to the ideal as having unconditional love? Or as some would say Christlike love?  I don’t think we can, but we can try.  And that is the point isn’t it.  Whether you are religious or not, I would hope that you have the drive or goal to be a good person.  To love and to be loved.  I am the type of person that is optimistic.  I am one who always tries to see the good in people. Sometimes to a fault and sometimes it is taken advantage of.  But that’s who I am. 

There are certain phrases that I’ve heard used in the past that bug me.

I love you because …… (this is conditional on whatever comes after that word ‘because’ or ‘if’ or ‘when’)

I love you in spite of …..(this again is a type of condition. Not as strong as the first, but still is passing judgment and shows disapproval)

The statement that in my opinion should be conveyed is simply ‘I love you’.  Period…. Nothing after it.  You either do, or you don’t.  If there is a qualifier, then it isn’t unconditional love.

Does love have to be unconditional to be love? Nope.  It doesn’t. 

Friday, January 15, 2010


I always thought it could be this way, but never believed it would happen for me.

I always thought that people who got up and said that their spouse was their best friend and buddy were full of it.  Turns out I found it.

I always thought I would end up alone, eventually.  Now I think differently.

I always thought I wasn't good enough, not worth it, and unimportant.  Apparently that's not the case.

I always thought my opinion didn't really matter.  Now it's expected, and heard (not always agreed with, but that's good too).

I like sleeping next to someone.  Not just in the same bed but under the same blankets!  I know!  Who knew that's how it's supposed to be.

I like finding fulfillment on my own, and being supported in that.

I like hearing about your day and your struggles and your successes.

I like my new found interests and the freedom I have to explore them.

I don't have to sensor what I do or say for fear that someone will be offended or disappointed or judgmental.

Despite all the difficulties, I have found happiness.  I have found acceptance.  I have found love.  I have found myself.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010


When everyone said I shouldn't get married....I should have not been so stubborn and actually taken a step back to look at the situation.

When you decided that we should sleep with as little touching as physically possible....I should have realized.

When you decided that you weren't in the mood for 350 days in a row, and that it wasn't important or a priority...I should have left.

When the counselor said it was all my fault because I wanted physical affection and you didn't...I shouldn't have listened.

When I spent hours and hours planning for an adventurous, creative date and you just said "Do I have to?  I'm tired and want to go to bed."  and then proceeded to talk on the phone for 2 hours....I shouldn't have invested my time and effort because it was obviously not important.

When you held it over my head for 10 years that I talked to someone from my past... just talked...I shouldn't have cared.

When I confided very difficult and personal things to you, and you ignored me because you didn't think it was really an issue or a problem.  I shouldn't have been surprised.

When I was driving away, finally leaving, and you called me because you had something planned...I shouldn't have turned around, it just prolonged the inevitable.

When you decided it was okay to be in separate bedrooms because it was more convenient and you slept better.  I should have told you I didn't like it.... Oh wait... I did... but what I wanted wasn't as important...maybe I shouldn't have bothered.

When you pushed me away.... I should have gone.

I'm sorry for all the things I should have done but didn't.  I'm sorry for 15 years.